Annie, Ann and I have shed some tears today. Mom is suffering so much from her eye infection and is really out of it. She keeps asking for Annie although Annie is standing right next to her. She keeps asking the same questions over and over. All she wants to do is sleep. The hospice nurse came in today and I sat at the table with her and just started crying. I had held it in all morning and it just came out. I told her that mom slept great all night and but I kept getting up to check on her...and all I could think of was...suppose she is not breathing! The nurse told me that that could very well happen and that I needed to prepare myself for that. She started telling me some signs to look for. I am really not ready. I heard Annie at the door so I went to greet her and she saw me crying and I quickly had to say"Mom is ok...I am just having a weak moment". Then Annie started crying. Ann came by later and she said she has not been able to stop crying...seeing mom so listless and confused is so hard. Are we doing enough? We wish we could fix it for her. I think the hardest thing is when mom gets angry with me. I know it is just because she is uncomfortable and that I shouldn't take it personally, but it hurts. Joni is here almost every night and last night mom did not know who she was. That was painful to see.
Tonight I found this picture of mom and dad. They look so happy! Mom lost some of that spark in her eyes when dad died so very many years ago. I need to keep reminding myself about that incredible reunion they will have someday. For now...we will just keep loving mom and giving all we have to keep her happy! (PS...Marilyn, I have had you and your mom in my thoughts so much today! Love ya!)