The Notebook

I just watched the movie, "The Notebook" and it was not a good idea. I read the book a long time ago. It reminded me so much of mom, Alma and Fred, Peggy and James, Vernon and Eula, Doug and Janet, Elmo and Dovie, Doris and Harold...I wish we could understand why so many of mom's siblings had to suffer so. One time in the movie, Ally says,"I could not remember what to do"...so many times I can remember finding mom standing in her room with a blank look on her face and she would say those exact words.

And now the admission...I am scared! Our family history is not so great...what if it happen to me! As you grow older, you begin to cherish so many people and things that you took for granted for so long. I love my family...all over the world!

What am I doing to stay healthy?
*Trying to eat organic.
*Keeping my weight down.
*Exercising 3 times a week on eliptical
*Using deodorant with no aluminum
*Yoga every morning
*Memorizing, "Jesus the Christ"
*Keeping up with lots of hobbies.

Any other ideas??Let me know.

Don't worry about me..I am happy and doing well...That movie just made me think...but life goes on and I am loving every moment of it!

My First Cattle Drive!

I was so excited when my friend Carla asked me if I wanted to go with her and her husband Don as they

moved their cattle from High Valley to the pasture near their home in Montour. Today was the first of the three day cattle drive. If you look at the picture above you will see me in the back on the brown horse named Big John but most of all you will see how beautiful the country was that we passed through.

Those of you that know me are asking yourself right now..where did she learn to ride a horse? I didn't! Oh... I have ridden a few times in my life and I have always loved it...but today was a little tricky. Originally, the plan was for me to ride the most gentle horse but because of a little confusion with saddles...I ended up on Big John. As we were driving up to High Valley, another friend of ours, Lisa, who has been on many more horses and cattle drives than me said..." I do not want to ride Big John". I thought..."I am so glad we get to ride Slick (the gentle horse)." When my turn to ride came up, I was told that I would have to ride Big John because of the saddle issue. I asked Kendra (who had been riding him) if she thought I could handle him...she said "yea, just hang on tight the whole time!" I climbed on board and almost immediately discovered that she had given me some great advice. Big John and I had some exciting moments and we rode for a long time down into the valley. Most of the time he was perfect...and I really grew to love that horse...but boy did he scare me a few times...I just kept thinking"hold on tight...don't let go whatever you do!!" He is such a smart horse. One time, the cattle started to separate and Darrell (another guy that was riding next to Big John and I) had to go get them back into the herd. I kept riding straight and tried to keep the cows moving when I discovered that 2 or 3 of them had stopped. I started telling them to keep moving..I don't think they understood my southern accent...and they would not move. Just when I wondered what to do to get them going...Big John started talking to them in horse language...loud and clear enough for me to worry that he was mad at me....but then I realized that the cows looked up at Big John and started moving! Horses are amazing creatures!

I am really sore, but loved the experience! I just wish Barry could have been with us, but he had to work.

Leaving North Carolina....

For the past month, we have been going through mom's things. It has been such a special time. Ann and I had some priceless moments together. What was amazing to both of us was how we felt like mom was helping us out in many of the decisions. I told Ann that I felt like mom would be proud of the way we handled things...and she would. But oh....the stuff!!! The jewelry was the most challenging...it took us three days to get through that. We found love letters between mom and dad and I am planning to make a family history book with those. We found quilt squares that mom made...another project for me. Finally, everything was divided for the most part... and Barry and I decided it was time to get back home to Idaho. The problem was how to get all the STUFF back home with us. So, we bought a trailor.



Barry's sister Frankie came by yesterday. She brought us a cured ham and lots of good grits. And of course she had lots of goodies for the boys, their wives and the grandkids! She also helped us get some things done around the house. I just love Frankie!



My brother Larry was a lifesaver yesterday. Barry was able to get Vernon Dickerson to help him put the trailor hitch on our car but the wiring for the lights turned out to be tricky. We were about to think we would have to wait for another lighting system to be ordered...and Larry came in. He and Barry went out and together were able to figure it out. Barry said without Larry he would never have been able to get it done. Then, they spent the rest of the hot, humid day getting the trailor loaded with the help of Ann and I. We were so exhausted by the end of the day...but we had one thing to look forward to. Larry Peoples, Vernon and Rita Dickerson, Al and Marla Peoples were at Ball's Airfield grilling hotdogs and hamburgers for a sendoff party for us. Larry Romero, Ann, Barry, and I went out and sat down in the shade of the Outer Marker and ate that wonderful food. Joyce Ann Peoples, Travis, and Joni and her new friend Jonathan were there too. It was so relaxing after such a stressful day. Before we left, we got the idea to have everyone sign the back of the trailor.



Leaving mom's house was so hard this morning. Ann, Larryp, Larryr, Joni, and my chocolate mama (Annie loves it when I call her that) were all there. My cousin Wendy came by too for awhile. It is always hard to leave our family, but we've ridden such an emotional rollercoaster for the past 4 months..,and grew so close on that ride...that this time the sadness is so deep it hurts more than usual. After the hugs and goodbyes, I got in the car and felt overcome with the desire to go back into the house. I wanted to go into mom's room so bad I ached. I told Barry I had to go back in...he asked why and I said...I don't know...I need some of her clothes to hug or something...he said for me to go ahead...and finally I told him that I guess I just felt like I needed to go tell her goodbye...but she is not there...so just drive... he said are you sure...yes, just drive...I honestly thought I was not going to be able to stop crying! We stopped to eat in Rolesville which is about 20 miles from mom's. I realized that I had forgotten one of my most prized posessions. A huge picture that Larry had given me of mom and dad. I was so sad again. About that time, the phone rang and it was Ann. She and Larry had discovered that I had forgotten the picture. She was on her way to Wake Forest which was in the same direction as where we were eating. She brought it to me! We hugged again and cried again. I just love her so much and truly feel like we have bonded so much that we will always be close friends.

Is She Really Gone?

The past couple of weeks have been like a fog...I miss mom so much! Looking back on the way she passed it was obvious that she orchestrated the entire thing. Early that Friday morning, I woke up and went into mom's room. She had changed her breathing pattern. Instead of holding her breaths, they became more consistant. Larry was here and sat with mom and I for awhile, then Ann came over. She was on her way to see Kira and her sweet little Asher. She stayed for an hour or so...then left. Before she left, I could tell Ann was concerned. I told her that I would leave the room so that they could have a moment together. Then, she left and Steve and Linda came in. Steve, Linda, Larry and I sat with mom and the steady breathing continued. Larry went outside to work on something and I went to get my computer so I could blog a little while Steve, Linda and I sat with mom. At about 10:15, the nurse came in to do her normal bi-weekly check on mom. It seem like as soon as the nurse walked into the room, mom's breathing changed. It began to be weaker and weaker and weaker. The nurse checked her and could not get an oxygen reading and pulse was weak. I could see the concern on her face...she said...can I get anyone or call anyone? We asked her to go get Larry and Barry and she did. She sat in a chair at the end of the bed and said...now is the time to say goodbye to you mom...we each held her and told her how much we love her and that we would see her again and that she was the best mom ever!!! As I look back on that day...there are a few things I know for sure...

1. Mom was in charge...

2. She knew which of her 5 children needed to be there when she died...and she waited for that moment.

3. She waited for the nurse to get there so that we would not freak out!

4. She wanted Ann to be with Kira and Asher...mom would say that is where she needed to be!

5. She would have wanted Shirley to be with her family in Sanford and she would say that is where she needed to be!

6. She knew that I wanted to be with her to the very end and she made sure I was prompted to stay in the room with her.

7. Aunt Shirley and Uncle Wilbur popped in to visit mom very shortly after she passed away...Uncle Wilbur said that something told him that they should drop by after their doctor appointment...mom wanted her little sister to come check on her children!

8. Mom loved having her kids hanging around together for the weeks prior to her death...so I am convinced that she put off her death so that she could see the Romero Reunion taking place under her roof!

9. A week after mom died, Aunt Shirley and Uncle Wilbur's grandson Kyle was killed in an accident in his pickup truck. It has been so tragic for the family. My heart aches for Sherry, Brent, Jessica, Johnathan and Megan. But one thing I know for sure!!!!....Just like Shirley and Wilbur popped in to visit us the day mom died, mom was there to greet Kyle the moment he left that truck and together they are getting reaquainted with so many people that have passed away. They are happier than we can even comprehend while we live on this earth!!! I remember hearing someone say that if we could get a glimpse of Heaven...we would not want to be here for even one more moment! Families are Forever!!!!I know that beyond any shadow of a doubt!!!! Mom and Kyle are in a better place...we will miss them terribly...but their mission here are earth is over and we will see them again!!!

I have so many other things to say...but I will wait...I love you...thanks for all your love and support!!

Resting Peacefully...

I cannot believe that it is Friday! The last time I wrote about mom, I had no idea she would be here for so long. I really thought we would be having a funeral by the weekend. She is breathing and we are still with her. My theory is that she is hanging around because she is enjoying seeing all her "kids" hanging out together. It has been an amazing week being able to spend so much time bonding and I know it is making mom so happy! Today, mom is breathing very calmly and she seems very comfortable...for that I am so thankful! I have found myself not wanting to leave her today...

At 10:30 this morning, I was sitting with mom writing this blog and before I could finish...mom passed away...very slowly and peacefully. The day has been crazy...I am tired....later I will share the experience. I love you all!

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then somesome at my side says: "There, she is gone!" "Gone where?" Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminisherd size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says:"There, she is gone!" There are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:"Here she comes!" And that is dying! -Henry Van Dyke

I have been avoiding writing on my blog for the past week or so because I have been trying to figure out what was going on with mom. My heart has been so sad and I was afraid that if I wrote my feelings down...her family would feel my sadness and wonder why we have not called to tell them that she is dying. The truth is...until the past few days we were not sure...just suspicious that perhaps the signs we were told to watch for were beginning to show their ugly little faces. A few days ago...our sweet Hospice Nurse sat down with Ann and I and used the term "terminal restlessness" and a feeling of peace came over me...finally a term to let us know that what mom was feeling was so normal that there was an actual name for it. Why that brought me peace I cannot explain..but it did. Maybe if I describe what I was seeing.....

My day with mom would start at about 7:30...I would hop out of bed and go to her room to see how her night went...asking Susie if she slept...did she cry much...seem like she was in pain???Usually...Susie would say she did not sleep at all...cried alot...seemed to be hurting alot...my heart would race....what can we do??? Susie leaves at 8:00. I spend an hour alone with mom(I cherish that time) and at 9:00 Annie comes in and I fix mom's breakfast. Mom would be content during breakfast...then the restlessness began. Usually she would have a BM and that used to help...but lately that didn't seem to make a difference. We would put her into bed and she would begin the ritual. Sleep for 10-20 seconds, moan,roll over, moan, rollover, sleep for 10-20 seconds, moan, roll over....this would go on all day long for several days. Annie and I would sit on each side of the bed and just talk to mom...rub her back...try so hard to bring her some comfort. We found that if her little cat nap lasted a minute...chances were she might be in for a longer nap and we would creep out of the room. Sometimes we might be able to get a few errands done around the house and we would manage to grab a bite to eat...but we knew that the naps were not going to be very long. Up until about 10 days ago...we actually were able to get her to the table for 3 meals a day using the lift and wheelchair...then it dwindled down to 2...then 1...then she could not get up at all. So we learned to raise her feet on the hospital bed...then her head and it made a great "chair" that put her into a good position to eat. Most days, Annie and I would look at the clock at 3 or 4 o'clock and not be able to believe that is was so late...the days just flew by. About 4 or 5 o'clock, Ann would come over and I was always so glad to see her. Joni would show up after work...6:00 or so...a ray of sunshine! About 8:00 Susie would come take over for the night. Most nights, I would fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Barry said he could see that I was sleeping so good that some nights he would go to the camper...just so he would not disturb me. I love that man and his willingness to take this journey with me! He has been so amazing throughout this process. I am not sure what I would have done without Ann and Joni to look forward to as well as having Larry taking over on the weekends. About 3 days ago, mom began to lose interest in food. She still tossed and turned and moaned...but just would not eat. I wrecked the kitchen one day trying to find something she would eat. Ann went and got some baby food...still no interest. Hospice nurse said this is part of the dying process. Terminal Restlessness...it is part of the part of the process...but so hard to watch!

Today, we are all here. Larry, Ann, Shirley and Steve...all my siblings. We are watching every breath. Sometimes we panick...2 breaths per minute...then it changes for awhile. Sometimes we cry...sometimes we laugh...sometimes we feel strong and ready...sometimes we are weak and not so ready...but we have each other. We are there for each other and the petty things just do not matter anymore! I love my family. Last night we prayed together in a circle...all 6 of us...just like when dad died...remember that chain I mentioned when I wrote about my brother Larry??? That chain is still strong...mom made sure of that...and mom and dad would be so proud! Mom and dad... together again soon! I remember telling mom a few years ago that when she dies...dad was going to take her into his arms and give her the biggest hug and tell her how proud he is of her...and then they will dance...she laughed and said..."I'm not ready to go yet"!

Thank you to my siblings, Barry, Joni, Larry P, Kira, Rusty,Linda, our boys and their families, the Pattersons, the Peoples, the May family, and the list goes on and on! I love you all soooooo much!

Cale's Visit...

Cale came out to see us on Wednesday and left on Sunday. It was so good to see him although the visit went by so fast. I regret not taking the time to do more with him. Mom was out of sorts most of the time. On Friday, I did leave mom alone with Annie long enough to go down to the pond while Cale was fishing. I wanted to get a picture of him and Annie wanted me to take him a bucket to put the fish in so she could take them home for dinner! He caught a few bass...but not big enough to keep. This pond is on the property of James and Peggy May. James was one of mom's brothers. He died several years ago and we sure miss him...but are always happy to "Aunt Peggy" . James was one of those people who always made me feel so important...I love that man! He and Peggy loved to see the boys fish in that pond...and mom always kept the fishing poles and tackle ready!
Having Cale here was helpful. He has been a nursing home administator for the past few years so he had some fresh insight for us. He was able to observe her and call some of his medical staff and describe her behavior and come up with some more ideas to make her comfortable. She slept a couple of days after we started a new med..One thing I know for sure...there are no clear cut answers...how I wish there were!

We went to Raleigh to visit Kira and Rusty while Cale was here. Kira and the boys have always been such good friends! I miss the days when they would put on plays for us or entertain us with some kind of dance. They had some great times together!